Speaking nerves
Written on 4 July 2007 by PaddyDo you ever find yourself say ‘um’ when speaking to a group. Some people use the filler ‘um’ as if it was a real word. It is just as loud and just as frequent as any other important word. Getting rid of ‘um’ is impossibly difficult as focusing on the ‘um’ will provoke it to stay longer. If you focus on getting rid of it, you will still be focusing on it and giving it too much attention.
The secret is to replace the ‘um’ with a pause. It really is a pause filler that is supposed to make you sound well informed. Gaps are filled with nonsense sounds in case people think that gaps indicate uncertainty or ignorance. In fact, a pause can make you sound very reflective and learned. If you pause before answering a question, providing you look like you are mulling over the best way to answer, you will look and sound well informed.
So remember… put more pauses in your speaking instead of nonsense sounds like ‘um’ and ‘er’ and ‘y’know’ and ‘kinda’. Replace the nonsense sounds with meaningful silence. If you are relaxed, a long pause at the start of speech will have the audience on the edge of their seats with anticipation.
pause, speaking nerves, um, er, speaking
Eye language
Written on 29 June 2007 by PaddySome years ago I heard a speaker advise the audience to identify the colour of a person’s eyes when first meeting. Of course, the colour doesn’t matter but if we are focused on someone’s eyes when we first meet, we will be giving them our full attention which will have a very positive impact.
My wife and I recently attended a sales evening for time share and it was very obvious that few of the sales people looked at the audience except for glances. The impression they gave was of passing interest not real interest. You will notice when people look closely at your eyes. You will certainly notice when they don’t.
So here is a very useful exercise that will improve your listening skills and help you build rapport very quickly with everyone you meet.
For the next day, look closely at people’s eyes and identify the colour of their irises. It is especially important that you do this as you are first meeting them. Really look deeply into the colour and see how it varies from the outside to the inside of the iris.
eye language, listening skills, building rapport, positive impact
The importance of stories.
Written on 22 June 2007 by PaddyI recently went to a conference where several speakers started with the usual personal details. ‘My name is …and I have done a lot in my life etc’. You know the stuff.
One speaker didn’t start with this predictable opening. This speaker started with a story about the courage of two people who started a company from a garage in 1976. It was a very different opening and had me wondering from the first words.
The other thing I noticed was that the speaker avoided using the personal pronoun ‘I’ and spoke in the present tense. The focus was on the story and the audience. He says to his partner ‘We need a marketing manager’. His partner replied’ What about the Marketing Manager of a large multi national company like Pepsi?’
Towards the end of the story, the speaker drew us into the story with the use of ‘You’. ‘What you can learn from such a story is that you need to believe in yourself’.
The lesson I learned was the powerful use of story to get a presentation or conversation started and the importance of using ‘You’ to focus on the other person and their needs.
The company is Apple.
Shaking Hands
Written on 1 June 2007 by PaddyI was recently interviewed on the radio on the topic of shaking hands. Several people ‘phoned in to ask about the rules. It seems the rules aren’t well known or don’t exist.
I remember meeting a senior manager once who didn’t accept my hand to shake when I held it out. I felt embarrassed. He later told me he had done this on purpose to put me offside and establish himself as being in control. If the purpose of hand shaking is to connect with someone and come across as trustworthy… he failed miserably.
Here the rules for starting out with the right hand… shake.
Make eye contact and smile if you can. At least relax your facial muscles.
Put out your right hand and leave it there.
Match the grip of the other person… exactly.
Shake up and down three times.
Let go last.
People often speak whilst shaking and say things like ‘Pleased to meet you’.
You really do get only one chance to make a first impression and a good handshake gets past most barriers. I’ll write again on what not to do. For the time being, practise matching the grip whilst keeping eye contact. If it helps, identify the colour of the person’s eyes while shaking their hand. Relationships make the world go round and getting started is a necessary skill. See how many hands you can shake today.
shaking hands, first impression, trustworthy
The Power of No
Written on 30 May 2007 by PaddyI was recently speaking at a conference and referred to the power or NO. I mentioned that an inability to say ‘NO’ took away the sincerity of a ‘Yes’.
One person attending the conference took me to task and declared that anyone working in the service of others should never say “No’.
I have reflected on this response and wonder what sort of life a person would create if they never said ‘No’ to a request from another. I suspect that it would a very stressed life with little time for priorities other than those decided by others. Assertiveness is an attitude and a very important influencing skill. We need to be able to identify what we want from others and have the confidence to ask. Others will do this with us and we need to be able to say ‘No’ because we are working on a bigger ‘Yes’.
Maybe a simple solution is to say ‘No’ to a request which takes you away from something that is important to your well being or success. If agree to drop what you are doing to meet someone else’s needs that you deny your own needs. We are saying ‘No’ because we are working on something more important. This something might be time spent at home, or finishing a job for someone else or having a restful lunch break.
It is a mistake to put other people’s needs before your own without considering the personal consequences. We do need to say ‘No’ occasionally because there is an important ‘Yes’ that relates to our effectiveness, balance, well being and ability to look after our needs.
I recently declined to do a large project because I knew that it would be very demanding with little assurance of a very satisfactory outcome. I felt good about saying ‘No’. I later heard from someone else that had accepted the project that it became a nightmare. I had said ‘Yes’ to continuing on presentations and projects that were less rushed and more rewarding. Keep ‘No’ in your box of influencing skills and be prepared to use it.
power of ‘no’, priorities, influencing skill,
