How Your Behaviour Affects Others
Written on 4 September 2007 by PaddySome years back I remember walking along a corridor with a CEO. A member of his organization passed us and greeted him. He did not respond.
When we returned to his office I mentioned the incident and he was not pleased. I wondered what his silence has cost the organization in lost motivation. What if this person had taken offense and mentioned it to others? The negative effect could have spread to many.
Do you wonder about the effect of your behaviour on others? When you put a stop to unfounded gossip by merely speaking out you could be stopping a message that could cost the organization many thousands of dollars.
I also heard about a very highly skilled technical person who was also a manager. He was short-tempered and rude when he didn’t get what he wanted. He was also considered too technically skilled to lose so people would have to tolerate his temper tantrums. Imagine the cost in turnover.
How can you measure the effect of your behaviour? Do people copy your positive behaviour as well as the negative?
Self awareness and self assessment are truly gifts from above. As manager of a business or a home, we need to be able to read and understand our emotions and recognise their effect on others and their work performance. We also need to be able to accurately assess our own strengths and weaknesses in this area of emotional maturity.
Try this for size…Ask someone how your behaviour affects them. Listen carefully to the answer and don’t defend yourself or rationalise your behaviour. Ask the person to nominate areas that you could improve. What behaviours would you like me to change to support you more and help you to become more productive? Listen very carefully. I remember one manager being told… simply listen to me without interrupting.
Emotional skills will take time to develop so don’t promise an immediate improvement. Maybe get some help or coaching. It is a matter of trial and feedback. Keep going until you have developed the new skills. Maybe you withdraw when there is conflict. Maybe you lose your temper. It will take time to modify these responses but the benefits will be worth the effort. Remember practice makes permanent and only perfect practice makes perfect. A little practice each day will help you make progress.
There is some wonderful reading on the subject on emotional intelligence but it is the practice that will make a difference.
Paddy
behaviour, practice makes perfect, emotional intelligence, self awareness, self assessment
Laughter is Contagious!
Written on 21 August 2007 by PaddyA 1999 study conducted by Sigal Barsade at the Yale School of Management show that cheerfulness and warmth spread easily among working groups whilst irritability caught on less so. It will not surprise you to know that laughter is very contagious. When we hear laughter we find it difficult not to laugh or smile ourselves. Do you recall getting caught up in a spiral of giggles in a group? One starts and others follow. We get caught up because the brain has an open loop circuit that is designed to detect smiles and laughter and respond in kind. Scientists theorise that this dynamic was hardwired long ago because smiles and laughter had a way of cementing alliances and keeping our species alive.
I have read of many experiments to change attitudes to groups of people by forcing contact. If there is no enjoyment in the contact the attitude doesn’t change. It hardens.
The main implication here for us is that we can change the moods of others. The loop is open to outside influence. Be they customers, team members, peers, managers or family members, we can be a major influence in helping others to feel happy.
Some simple ways of doing this are:
- Greet enthusiastically. Don’t tell people how you are. Tell them how you’d like to be. Try some colourful words like: sensational, never been better, enjoying my life!
- Smile. Even if you don’t feel like smiling, others will react to your smile and smile back. You will see their returned genuine smile and react automatically with a genuine smile. Fake can become genuine.
- Shake hands warmly. Physical contact will help people feel better about themselves and about you. Match the strength of their grip and look them in the eye. Soft for soft. Hard for hard.
- Farewell warmly. People will remember the last words you say so make them memorable. ‘Hope to see you again’, ‘Great to see you’, ‘ I have enjoyed speaking to you’.
Humour and laughter spreads quickly to create an upbeat climate. Lose you sense of humour and the world becomes grey. Spread humour and colour returns. Look around you for humour and reasons to be happy. If you woke up this morning you are way ahead of those that didn’t! year.
Paddy
laughter, humour, sense of humour, attitude
Smell Your Hands
Written on 7 August 2007 by PaddyImagine if you threw rose petals at people. At the end of the day your hands would smell like rose petals. On the other hand, what if you threw elephant poo at everyone you met. The magic of positive reinforcement is not well understood. Put very simply, what you reinforce is what you get more of. If you acknowledge and reinforce behaviour it is likely to be repeated.
There are two ways of reinforcing behaviour. Oh by the way, positive reinforcement is anything you say or do that the other person takes as positive reinforcement. It needs to be as close to the performance as possible.
Back to two ways of reinforcing behaviour. Positive reinforcement follows the performance - it can be a simple ‘thank you’, a gift, a note. The person is encouraged to repeat the performance. You noticed and you showed that you noticed.
Negative reinforcement also works.The person repeats the performance to avoid getting another negative reinforcement from you.This doesn’t work as well as the positive. They may only repeat the performance when you are around and they will only do enough to stay out of your bad books.
If you ignore good behaviour and only notice poor behaviour you run the risk of seeing the good behaviour disappear because it is not being noticed and seeing the poor behaviour reduced ‘when you are present’.
Have you noticed how careful people drive when they see a speed camera? No incentive to drive well, only punishment if you don’t. Same with seat belts. There is an immediate negative reinforcement- you need to take time to settle in and your clothing gets crumpled. The positive is in the future… if you have an accident. The negative is now and certain.
So… let’s get started on using positive reinforcement. Look for opportunities to apply positive reinforcement. When people behave well, comment immediately. Make your comment positive and as close to the performance as possible. Ignore poor behaviour, if you can, and wait for any movement in the right direction. Acknowledge and reinforce any approximations towards good performance.
Do you want your hands to smell like roses or elephant poo?
If you have any stories about the effectiveness of positive reinforcement, please send them to me. My most recent example was at a hotel. As I finished signing my name, the person at the desk commented ‘ lovely handwriting’. You won’t believe the care I took when signing for my meals.
Paddy
hand smell, elephant poo, smell like roses, good behaviour, bad behaviour
Call That a Handshake?
Written on 20 July 2007 by PaddyHave you every had your hand crushed or tickled or rejected instead of simply being shaken?
I remember on one occasion when a person looked at my outstretched hand and ignored it. He told me later, he used it as a technique to put people offside and gain the upper hand. He certainly put me offside and didn’t gain the upper hand.
There are some simple rules for handshaking. The custom probably comes from medieval times when people took off their armoured gloves when meeting and shook hands. It was meant as a display of ‘I’m not going to hurt you - see I’ve taken off my glove’.
A study published in the Journal of Psychology, suggested that a firm handshake makes a good first impression. They defined a firm handshake as strong and vigorous with a complete grip that did not stop too soon or go on too long. Add eye contact and the hint of a smile and everyone is impressed.
The research was probably done by a man. Women seem to have slightly different rules. Try these rules - Extend your hand first and leave it there until the other person responds.
Some people are reluctant to shake hands but will get the idea eventually. If their religion forbids contact, you will get the message and you can sheepishly put your hand away.
Push until you contact the fork between the thumb and the first finger. Don’t get caught half way in and don’t squeeze the ends of people’s fingers. Match the grip of the other person. We like people who are like us and we will certainly like someone who has a handshake like ours. Calibrate quickly and give them exactly what they are giving you.
If you get caught by a ‘gorilla’ handshake, simply say ‘you certainly have a strong handshake’. They are thrilled at the compliment and they stop crushing. Don’t match the ‘gorilla’ handshake. You will look like you are arm wrestling.
Let go last. You will seem reluctant to let go. Let go first and you can give the impression of being keen to let go. Who knows what negative judgement the other will make of this action?
From infancy we enjoy being touched. The handshake is all we have left at work. Shake hands whenever you can. Physical contact creates instant rapport. Remember the simple rules:
- Offer your hand first.
- Don’t get caught at the finger tips.
- Contact palms.
- Match the grip and smile.
- Up and down three times.
- Let go last.
The handshake is not meant to show people how strong you are. The purpose is to contact people, to create a positive impression, to make people feel comfortable with you. See how many people you can get to shake your hand today.
Paddy
shaking hands, impression, physical contact
Speaking nerves
Written on 4 July 2007 by PaddyDo you ever find yourself say ‘um’ when speaking to a group. Some people use the filler ‘um’ as if it was a real word. It is just as loud and just as frequent as any other important word. Getting rid of ‘um’ is impossibly difficult as focusing on the ‘um’ will provoke it to stay longer. If you focus on getting rid of it, you will still be focusing on it and giving it too much attention.
The secret is to replace the ‘um’ with a pause. It really is a pause filler that is supposed to make you sound well informed. Gaps are filled with nonsense sounds in case people think that gaps indicate uncertainty or ignorance. In fact, a pause can make you sound very reflective and learned. If you pause before answering a question, providing you look like you are mulling over the best way to answer, you will look and sound well informed.
So remember… put more pauses in your speaking instead of nonsense sounds like ‘um’ and ‘er’ and ‘y’know’ and ‘kinda’. Replace the nonsense sounds with meaningful silence. If you are relaxed, a long pause at the start of speech will have the audience on the edge of their seats with anticipation.
pause, speaking nerves, um, er, speaking
