A simple way of resisting the urge to fight back verbally is to ask questions or actively listen when pressured instead of fighting back or becoming sternly silent. By actively listen, I mean to paraphrase what has been said in your own words to prove that you have been listening. Be careful of your tone or facial expression as any hint of aggression or sarcasm with make matters worse.

So try this next time you are pressured by others.

1. Breathe in
2. Pause
3. Ask an question
4. Confirm that you have understood the answer e.g. ‘So you are too busy to help me today.’
5. Ask another question e.g. ‘When do you think you will have the time to help me?’

You know the usual mantras ‘ The difference between a dream and a goal is a plan’.

Let me suggest something different for 2008 and maybe what’s left of 2007.

Rather than focus on a goal that can be achieved and ticked what about focusing on a value that cannot be achieved or completed but will motivate you for the rest of your life. Goals usually have a time frame.

Values are forever.

Take honesty for example… will you ever be able to say you have achieved it? I was honest in 2008. How about kindness or compassion or generosity? You can’t tick these off the list like losing weight or writing a book or visiting a country. They can go on motivating you forever, like shooting for the stars and knowing that you won’t get there.

Here’s my suggested New Year’s resolution. Think about a value that you are ready to get serious about and get started on living this value every day. Make this value a part of your everyday life.

Here are some values to choose from…

• Co-operation
• Honesty
• Respect
• Compassion
• Kindness
• Patience
• Cheerfulness
• Responsibility
• Courage

Any of these will create a challenge if they are to permeate our lives. Just try one and consider how it can become a part of everything you do. Honesty is a huge challenge if taken seriously. People are not so fragile that they can’t handle the truth. If you think people are not ready for your honesty, try combining it with respect.

Just an idea to get you past the goal setting and New Year’s resolution that is a necessary task at the start of each year.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and an exciting start to 2008.

Regards,

Paddy Spruce CSP

The female elephant seemed excited from day one and enjoyed the opportunity to walk to the new enclosure exploring all the way.

The male elephant did not like being out of his usual enclosure and refused to co-operate. It took over two years of gradual encouragement to get him used to moving and behaving himself in a new environment. Even at the last moment he needed to be taken by truck to his new home.

I am not wanting to make a gender comparison here but simply a comparison of two reactions to change. Some people do change easily. Some do it very hard. If you are managing and implementing change, remember that the decision to make the change is done in a moment. The times it takes for everyone to accept the change can be much longer.

Some will deny, resist and fight against the change. Some will grieve as they would the loss of a friend. Some will be excited and want to move quickly. As a manager of this process, you will feel like you are herding kittens. You will need to be very aware of the range of reactions and accept that everyone is doing their best.

You will need to explain to the deniers that it is really happening and won’t go away. You may need to this often until they accept. Their reaction is not rational so it can’t be explained away simply. You will need to listen to the angry ventilators without agreeing to them. The may want to hang on to ‘the old way’ because they know it so well. You will need to show compassion to the grievers and help them move on into the present.

What to do with the excited ones that want to get on with it. You can use them as an example or ask them to move at a pace that allows everyone to stay together.

Rationally, we all know that we need to improve to stay in business and keep our clients and customers satisfied. Emotionally, we move at different rates to accept this change. Some of us move so slowly that it looks like resistance.

We want all our elephants to change and continue to improve. As a skilled change agent, your challenge it to help everyone move at their own pace whilst keeping the client satisfied. Back to normal is not normal. Forward to normal is.

Paddy

change, resistance, improve

Our society seems to value heroes and heroines who earn their status in a moment of valor. The lecturer who struggled with the armed student after having been shot twice. The person who ran into a blazing house to save a child.

We seldom define someone as heroic who has earned the status over a decade. How many moments in a decade?

In a newsletter sometime ago on my site I included…’A Poem’. It was written by a true heroine, Maree Bourke-Calliss. Maree had a stroke on 5th May, 1994 and has been ‘locked in’ her own body since. She can blink… nothing else. Just imagine being struck down suddenly with a stroke and only being able to blink. Hearing, thinking, feeling but not being able to move or communicate verbally with others.

The story has moved since she published her poem. Maree spoke at the CPA Conference in Adelaide a couple of years ago. She has written her story slowly and laboriously by blinking her eyes. The story was spoken by my wife, Hilary, who is an actor, speaker and singer. Maree’s family were there from Quambatook and Queensland. She had been preparing for months to tell her story to assist others to truly value themselves and their lives.

Let me quote a paragraph from her story just in case you didn’t see this.

“Be clear about who you are”
You have to have a purpose for being, not just a purpose for doing. Even though I cannot do all those normal activities you associate with living such as walking and talking, I have a big reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I have a purpose that is about achieving, doing the impossible, and challenging myself to go that little bit further everyday. I don’t wake up thinking about money or getting the car serviced or doing the grocery shopping or wishing that I had read that report on the weekend so work would be less pressure today – that’s the doing stuff and you know you’ll get to it sometime during the week.I wake up thinking about what will make a difference today, what I need to achieve, what I need to do to make this day worthwhile for those around me. It’s a waste of time and energy to act from a position of imprisonment. You must come from a position of resilience and learn to cope with everything that’s thrown at you. You know the saying “It’s not what happens to you that’s important…it’s what happens within you”. I am a worthwhile human being because I now know myself so much better and I love myself for who I am and not for how I look.

So, you have advice from someone who has earned the right to give advice by behaving heroically over ten years. Someone who was offered the choice of living or dying and embraced living. Maree lives a very full life with the ability to think and blink. Are you making the most of your life?

Paddy

making the most, full life, disability, ability, hero, heroine

Wouldn’t it be great to find out what happens with the occasional people and make it happen much more often? Imagine if most of the people that you met were impressed by you and took you into their private world without the normal caution and grilling.

Let me tell you about a way of accelerating the process of getting people to trust you. This is a powerful technique so tread carefully. We are not playing with people and their defence systems. We are trying to create rapport, hopefully for positive reasons.

Try this… copy the breathing pattern of the person you are speaking to. Don’t be obvious. Synchronise your breathing to theirs. Next copy their pace of delivery. Fast or slow and halting, maybe machine like. Just copy it subtly. Now for the volume and inflection. Are they going up at the end…eh? Do it yourself. Don’t be bothered about being found out. The person will be focusing on what they are saying and after all, you ARE listening 100%, which is a very hard thing to be doing. If you need to contribute to the conversation, ask questions and paraphrase what is being said…. ’so you’re saying that…’ It will take a supreme effort to do any one of these behaviours so it is best to try them one at a time and gradually build your level of skill.

How will you know that you have got close rapport with the person? Simply move your hand or body and see if they copy you. If you have close rapport, they will mirror your movements. If they don’t, go back to your copying of breathing, tone, volume and pacing and give your full attention.

If you use these behaviours from an ethical base with the aim of assisting the person you have a much greater chance of success. It is surprising how often people will know your motives and put up their guard again.

Paddy

connection, trust, motive

o you have a career? If you work hard and get your qualifications you will move a rung on the ladder. Maybe you will become a team leader or a manager. Who knows, one day you may even become the CEO.

Jobs and careers are mainly to benefit you, not the people that you serve. The focus is inward. The benefits are external – money, promotion, status. Often the expectations of a career are not met and retirement starts to look attractive. Imagine looking forward to the end of something that you have been doing for most of your life. You do feel relieved when a loud noise stops….for a short time. The people that I have met who are retired don’t seem as contented as they had planned to be.

What’s the alternative? How about a calling? A ‘calling’ or vocation is something that you believe that you are called to do. You are good at it and enjoy doing it and it helps others. You truly believe that this is THE job and that you were meant to be doing it. The money is not critical but the contribution you make IS. The person who is meant to directly benefit from your ‘calling’ is the person you are assisting. I have known taxi drivers, receptionists, sales assistants and guides at theme parks who seem to have a ‘calling’. It is easy to tell from their attitude that this is so much more than a job or a career. They want to help and obviously enjoy what they are doing. They are also good at what they do and get added enjoyment by displaying their skills.

What is your calling? What are you good at? Are you doing what you are good at as part of your working life? If a voice from the clouds told you what to do with your talents and working life, what would it say? Would it say ‘Stay in the Bank until you retire!’ or “Hang on for another ten years”.

Maybe this is the only life we get and is not a rehearsal for something else. It may seem risky to leave a perfectly secure job for a faint calling. Imagine the desperation of coming to the end and thinking ‘Why didn’t I do what I really wanted to do when I had the time?’
So get started on identifying what it is that you enjoy doing that will benefit you and others and has a sense of vocation. Of course we all need money to exist but you would do this ‘calling’ even if you were not paid because you enjoy doing it so much. Maybe the money will come if you truly identify what you are best at and do it for life.

I once sat with a man who was dying as he told me what he had not done with his life. Following your heart is not for a privileged few. Maybe it is for the courageous few.

Paddy

calling, job, career

If you are having fun you will look silly to someone. Better to be having fun than being a judgmental voyeur.

Are you having enough fun in your life? What gives you enjoyment? Do you look forward to anything the way you did as a child or has life become serious and mundane?

Here are some activities that I have tried to increase my FQ (Fun quotient).

Visit a magic shop
I visited two magic shops yesterday and bought some hats, a whistle that sounds like a siren, a brick that is really a sponge and a gun that fires soap bubbles. They are all for a conference in Brisbane where I have an audience of over two hundred to educate and entertain.

Take up dancing
My wife and I are attending a dance class for Swing Dancing. It is great fun but we do increase the average age. We are attending with another couple who are close friends and it is a highlight of the week. Something to look forward to.

Develop your sense of humour
I cut out and keep unusual headlines like ‘Iraqi head seeks arms’ or ‘Prostitutes appeal to Pope’. There is enough humour in everyday life if you look closely. Just watching barristers dash around the city in their wigs is comedy enough. I also read humour books often to get new ideas for stories or humour activities. Put up a humour notice board at work and seek contributions.

Your sense of humour and fun is very much a part of who you are. Your sense of humour is your shock absorber and needs to be kept flexible with plenty of play. Watch children if you want to see a natural sense of humour and fun in action. Children laugh around three hundred times a day. Adults around thirty times.

So…find a way to let your sense of fun loose at least once a day and don’t worry about looking silly. Silly is good!

Paddy

FQ, fun quotient, silly, humour

When we returned to his office I mentioned the incident and he was not pleased. I wondered what his silence has cost the organization in lost motivation. What if this person had taken offense and mentioned it to others? The negative effect could have spread to many.

Do you wonder about the effect of your behaviour on others? When you put a stop to unfounded gossip by merely speaking out you could be stopping a message that could cost the organization many thousands of dollars.

I also heard about a very highly skilled technical person who was also a manager. He was short-tempered and rude when he didn’t get what he wanted. He was also considered too technically skilled to lose so people would have to tolerate his temper tantrums. Imagine the cost in turnover.

How can you measure the effect of your behaviour? Do people copy your positive behaviour as well as the negative?

Self awareness and self assessment are truly gifts from above. As manager of a business or a home, we need to be able to read and understand our emotions and recognise their effect on others and their work performance. We also need to be able to accurately assess our own strengths and weaknesses in this area of emotional maturity.

Try this for size…Ask someone how your behaviour affects them. Listen carefully to the answer and don’t defend yourself or rationalise your behaviour. Ask the person to nominate areas that you could improve. What behaviours would you like me to change to support you more and help you to become more productive? Listen very carefully. I remember one manager being told… simply listen to me without interrupting.

Emotional skills will take time to develop so don’t promise an immediate improvement. Maybe get some help or coaching. It is a matter of trial and feedback. Keep going until you have developed the new skills. Maybe you withdraw when there is conflict. Maybe you lose your temper. It will take time to modify these responses but the benefits will be worth the effort. Remember practice makes permanent and only perfect practice makes perfect. A little practice each day will help you make progress.

There is some wonderful reading on the subject on emotional intelligence but it is the practice that will make a difference.

Paddy

behaviour, practice makes perfect, emotional intelligence, self awareness, self assessment

I have read of many experiments to change attitudes to groups of people by forcing contact. If there is no enjoyment in the contact the attitude doesn’t change. It hardens.

The main implication here for us is that we can change the moods of others. The loop is open to outside influence. Be they customers, team members, peers, managers or family members, we can be a major influence in helping others to feel happy.

Some simple ways of doing this are:

• Greet enthusiastically. Don’t tell people how you are. Tell them how you’d like to be. Try some colourful words like: sensational, never been better, enjoying my life!

• Smile. Even if you don’t feel like smiling, others will react to your smile and smile back. You will see their returned genuine smile and react automatically with a genuine smile. Fake can become genuine.

• Shake hands warmly. Physical contact will help people feel better about themselves and about you. Match the strength of their grip and look them in the eye. Soft for soft. Hard for hard.

• Farewell warmly. People will remember the last words you say so make them memorable. ‘Hope to see you again’, ‘Great to see you’, ‘ I have enjoyed speaking to you’.

Humour and laughter spreads quickly to create an upbeat climate. Lose you sense of humour and the world becomes grey. Spread humour and colour returns. Look around you for humour and reasons to be happy. If you woke up this morning you are way ahead of those that didn’t! year.

Paddy

laughter, humour, sense of humour, attitude

There are two ways of reinforcing behaviour. Oh by the way, positive reinforcement is anything you say or do that the other person takes as positive reinforcement. It needs to be as close to the performance as possible.

Back to two ways of reinforcing behaviour. Positive reinforcement follows the performance - it can be a simple ‘thank you’, a gift, a note. The person is encouraged to repeat the performance. You noticed and you showed that you noticed.

Negative reinforcement also works.The person repeats the performance to avoid getting another negative reinforcement from you.This doesn’t work as well as the positive. They may only repeat the performance when you are around and they will only do enough to stay out of your bad books.

If you ignore good behaviour and only notice poor behaviour you run the risk of seeing the good behaviour disappear because it is not being noticed and seeing the poor behaviour reduced ‘when you are present’.

Have you noticed how careful people drive when they see a speed camera? No incentive to drive well, only punishment if you don’t. Same with seat belts. There is an immediate negative reinforcement- you need to take time to settle in and your clothing gets crumpled. The positive is in the future… if you have an accident. The negative is now and certain.

So… let’s get started on using positive reinforcement. Look for opportunities to apply positive reinforcement. When people behave well, comment immediately. Make your comment positive and as close to the performance as possible. Ignore poor behaviour, if you can, and wait for any movement in the right direction. Acknowledge and reinforce any approximations towards good performance.

Do you want your hands to smell like roses or elephant poo?

If you have any stories about the effectiveness of positive reinforcement, please send them to me. My most recent example was at a hotel. As I finished signing my name, the person at the desk commented ‘ lovely handwriting’. You won’t believe the care I took when signing for my meals.

Paddy

hand smell, elephant poo, smell like roses, good behaviour, bad behaviour