There are some people that you really connect with. Why? Why can’t you do it more often? Why can’t you do it on purpose? You know what I mean; you skip first base and get to know them so quickly. The rapport is almost instant. Maybe you are interviewing people for a job or being served in a Bank. Some people just simply stand out. Either your guard is down or they are remarkable people, or both.

Wouldn’t it be great to find out what happens with the occasional people and make it happen much more often? Imagine if most of the people that you met were impressed by you and took you into their private world without the normal caution and grilling.

Let me tell you about a way of accelerating the process of getting people to trust you. This is a powerful technique so tread carefully. We are not playing with people and their defence systems. We are trying to create rapport, hopefully for positive reasons.

Try this… copy the breathing pattern of the person you are speaking to. Don’t be obvious. Synchronise your breathing to theirs. Next copy their pace of delivery. Fast or slow and halting, maybe machine like. Just copy it subtly. Now for the volume and inflection. Are they going up at the end…eh? Do it yourself. Don’t be bothered about being found out. The person will be focusing on what they are saying and after all, you ARE listening 100%, which is a very hard thing to be doing. If you need to contribute to the conversation, ask questions and paraphrase what is being said…. ’so you’re saying that…’ It will take a supreme effort to do any one of these behaviours so it is best to try them one at a time and gradually build your level of skill.

How will you know that you have got close rapport with the person? Simply move your hand or body and see if they copy you. If you have close rapport, they will mirror your movements. If they don’t, go back to your copying of breathing, tone, volume and pacing and give your full attention.

If you use these behaviours from an ethical base with the aim of assisting the person you have a much greater chance of success. It is surprising how often people will know your motives and put up their guard again.

Paddy

connection, trust, motive

Some years back I remember walking along a corridor with a CEO. A member of his organization passed us and greeted him. He did not respond.

When we returned to his office I mentioned the incident and he was not pleased. I wondered what his silence has cost the organization in lost motivation. What if this person had taken offense and mentioned it to others? The negative effect could have spread to many.

Do you wonder about the effect of your behaviour on others? When you put a stop to unfounded gossip by merely speaking out you could be stopping a message that could cost the organization many thousands of dollars.

I also heard about a very highly skilled technical person who was also a manager. He was short-tempered and rude when he didn’t get what he wanted. He was also considered too technically skilled to lose so people would have to tolerate his temper tantrums. Imagine the cost in turnover.

How can you measure the effect of your behaviour? Do people copy your positive behaviour as well as the negative?

Self awareness and self assessment are truly gifts from above. As manager of a business or a home, we need to be able to read and understand our emotions and recognise their effect on others and their work performance. We also need to be able to accurately assess our own strengths and weaknesses in this area of emotional maturity.

Try this for size…Ask someone how your behaviour affects them. Listen carefully to the answer and don’t defend yourself or rationalise your behaviour. Ask the person to nominate areas that you could improve. What behaviours would you like me to change to support you more and help you to become more productive? Listen very carefully. I remember one manager being told… simply listen to me without interrupting.

Emotional skills will take time to develop so don’t promise an immediate improvement. Maybe get some help or coaching. It is a matter of trial and feedback. Keep going until you have developed the new skills. Maybe you withdraw when there is conflict. Maybe you lose your temper. It will take time to modify these responses but the benefits will be worth the effort. Remember practice makes permanent and only perfect practice makes perfect. A little practice each day will help you make progress.

There is some wonderful reading on the subject on emotional intelligence but it is the practice that will make a difference.

Paddy

behaviour, practice makes perfect, emotional intelligence, self awareness, self assessment

Have you every had your hand crushed or tickled or rejected instead of simply being shaken?

I remember on one occasion when a person looked at my outstretched hand and ignored it. He told me later, he used it as a technique to put people offside and gain the upper hand. He certainly put me offside and didn’t gain the upper hand.

There are some simple rules for handshaking. The custom probably comes from medieval times when people took off their armoured gloves when meeting and shook hands. It was meant as a display of ‘I’m not going to hurt you – see I’ve taken off my glove’.

A study published in the Journal of Psychology, suggested that a firm handshake makes a good first impression. They defined a firm handshake as strong and vigorous with a complete grip that did not stop too soon or go on too long. Add eye contact and the hint of a smile and everyone is impressed.

The research was probably done by a man. Women seem to have slightly different rules. Try these rules – Extend your hand first and leave it there until the other person responds.

Some people are reluctant to shake hands but will get the idea eventually. If their religion forbids contact, you will get the message and you can sheepishly put your hand away.

Push until you contact the fork between the thumb and the first finger. Don’t get caught half way in and don’t squeeze the ends of people’s fingers. Match the grip of the other person. We like people who are like us and we will certainly like someone who has a handshake like ours. Calibrate quickly and give them exactly what they are giving you.

If you get caught by a ‘gorilla’ handshake, simply say ‘you certainly have a strong handshake’. They are thrilled at the compliment and they stop crushing. Don’t match the ‘gorilla’ handshake. You will look like you are arm wrestling.

Let go last. You will seem reluctant to let go. Let go first and you can give the impression of being keen to let go. Who knows what negative judgement the other will make of this action?

From infancy we enjoy being touched. The handshake is all we have left at work. Shake hands whenever you can. Physical contact creates instant rapport. Remember the simple rules:

• Offer your hand first.
• Don’t get caught at the finger tips.
• Contact palms.
• Match the grip and smile.
• Up and down three times.
• Let go last.

The handshake is not meant to show people how strong you are. The purpose is to contact people, to create a positive impression, to make people feel comfortable with you. See how many people you can get to shake your hand today.

Paddy

shaking hands, impression, physical contact