It is very difficult to listen to another when your own thinking is non stop. If you could be silent, then still, you would be able to make room for someone else’s ideas.

You would be able to listen with an open mind and would probably hear more than if you were judging the information or preparing a defence. If you leave gaps in your thinking, you make room for new information or ideas to enter. If you think without a break, your attention span will be similar to that of a goldfish and you will listen with an agenda in mind. You may ignore everything that is not related to your agenda.

The next time someone speaks to you, try listening with an open, still mind and be very slow to respond. You will be amazed at how much more you hear and understand. It is like having wax removed from your ear canal.

listening skills, silence, open mind, hearing, responding

We had some friends stay with us who were on the Qantas flight that had to land in Manila after the oxygen tank exploded.

Our friends are a married couple and their reactions were extraordinarily different. They also noticed a variety of reactions from others to a potentially fatal accident.

How is it that people have such different reactions to the same event? One of our friends whipped out his camera and took some photos. He saw the incident as an opportunity to record his experiences and pass this information onto his local newspaper.

Our other friend saw the event as life threatening and was shocked and frightened. Same event, very different reactions.

One person was operating in the present, taking photos of what was happening. The other was looking to a frightening future consequence, death. It is unusual that the word present can refer to ‘now’ or a gift.

Operating in the present is a gift and can shield us  from a frightening future. Why not try making the present longer by focusing on it more often. Be where you are. Be with the people you are with. Taste your food and listen to people. In reality, there is no other time than now and by thinking about another time we miss now.

Listening is often seen as a weak way of influencing others. It can be as strong as the most assertive behaviour. It is similar to not taking the bait and entering into a useless argument. It is not strong to respond to a baiting comment. It is strong to resist this primal urge.

A simple way of resisting the urge to fight back verbally is to ask questions or actively listen when pressured instead of fighting back or becoming sternly silent. By actively listen, I mean to paraphrase what has been said in your own words to prove that you have been listening. Be careful of your tone or facial expression as any hint of aggression or sarcasm with make matters worse.

So try this next time you are pressured by others.

1. Breathe in
2. Pause
3. Ask an question
4. Confirm that you have understood the answer e.g. ‘So you are too busy to help me today.’
5. Ask another question e.g. ‘When do you think you will have the time to help me?’

There are some people that you really connect with. Why? Why can’t you do it more often? Why can’t you do it on purpose? You know what I mean; you skip first base and get to know them so quickly. The rapport is almost instant. Maybe you are interviewing people for a job or being served in a Bank. Some people just simply stand out. Either your guard is down or they are remarkable people, or both.

Wouldn’t it be great to find out what happens with the occasional people and make it happen much more often? Imagine if most of the people that you met were impressed by you and took you into their private world without the normal caution and grilling.

Let me tell you about a way of accelerating the process of getting people to trust you. This is a powerful technique so tread carefully. We are not playing with people and their defence systems. We are trying to create rapport, hopefully for positive reasons.

Try this… copy the breathing pattern of the person you are speaking to. Don’t be obvious. Synchronise your breathing to theirs. Next copy their pace of delivery. Fast or slow and halting, maybe machine like. Just copy it subtly. Now for the volume and inflection. Are they going up at the end…eh? Do it yourself. Don’t be bothered about being found out. The person will be focusing on what they are saying and after all, you ARE listening 100%, which is a very hard thing to be doing. If you need to contribute to the conversation, ask questions and paraphrase what is being said…. ’so you’re saying that…’ It will take a supreme effort to do any one of these behaviours so it is best to try them one at a time and gradually build your level of skill.

How will you know that you have got close rapport with the person? Simply move your hand or body and see if they copy you. If you have close rapport, they will mirror your movements. If they don’t, go back to your copying of breathing, tone, volume and pacing and give your full attention.

If you use these behaviours from an ethical base with the aim of assisting the person you have a much greater chance of success. It is surprising how often people will know your motives and put up their guard again.

Paddy

connection, trust, motive