Paddy Spruce » Influencing & Negotiating skills

The importance of starting well

Paddy — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 01:56:42 +0000

It seems that our brain is hard wired to make first impressions in an instant. This means that if you are presenting to a group, you have seconds to get them onside… emotionally. If you are successful, they will listen with an open mind and are open to persuasion, logically. You information will have impact. If they decide that you are not trustworthy or reliable, anything you say from this point is wasted. The door has shut. Any information is rejected. It’s a bit like writing off a speaker because you have heard something negative about their private lives. Their information, although potentially very valuable, is rejected.

I remember my father telling me not to buy a Japanese car because of his war time experiences.

So, take care when starting. Be polite. Express your gratitude. Be personal. Be humble. Be authentic. Start with a story that makes a point. Most people’s defences don’t work against a story. They will let you finish the story.

By the way, if you’re reading this by email, make sure you pop back to the new look site to have a look!

Regards

Paddy Spruce.

Are you certain?

Paddy — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 22:37:36 +0000

I recently went to the mind/spirit exhibition and watch people queue to see psychics.

I suspect that many visit a psychic to get more certainty. It is very important to some people that they can be certain about some things.

If you ever get a hint that certainty is important to someone, make sure you respect this need. Reassure them that you will deliver what you promised. If you tell them you will call later in the day, make sure you do.

Imagine the effect of telling someone who liked certainty that you would personally deliver an important document or order on the same day… and you did. Some people like guarantees, assurances, promises. They seek certainty in a world where little is certain. It is probably a remnant of our very old brain.

So give people as much certainty as you control. Call them back. Send the email today. Give them what they need in an uncertain world.

Paddy

Are you certain?

Paddy — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 00:18:06 +0000

I recently went to the mind/spirit exhibition and watch people queue to see psychics.

I suspect that many visit a psychic to get more certainty. It is very important to some people that they can be certain about some things. If you ever get a hint that certainty is important to someone, make sure you respect this need. Reassure them that you will deliver what you promised. If you tell them you will call later in the day, make sure you do.

Imagine the effect of telling someone who liked certainty that you would personally deliver an important document or order on the same day…. and you did. Some people like guarantees, assurances, promises. They seek certainty in a world where little is certain. It is probably a remnant of our very old brain. So give people as much certainty as you control. Call them back. Send the email today. Give them what they need in an uncertain world.

The pause that roared

Paddy — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 01:41:32 +0000

Sometimes the message is in the pause.

Pauses are meaningful.

If you think that the message is always in the words then the pause is meaningless and you could miss some important messages.

Imagine if you asked someone if they could help you with a project and they paused for ten seconds. If they were excited or enthusiastic about helping you there would be no pause.

I remember being asked in a shop if someone was looking after me. I was the only person in the shop besides the assistant. I paused. Another time I was depositing a small amount of money in my bank and was asked if I was interested in a housing loan. I paused.

If you listen carefully you may be able to paraphrase the pause. ‘Sounds like you have something else on…’. ‘Is that a NO?’

Try pausing yourself before making an important statement. Try pausing before making a commitment to make sure you mean what you are about to say.
Pauses are meaningful. Listen to them.

Avoiding death by PowerPoint

Paddy — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 05:07:56 +0000

Isn’t it obvious that it is not possible to read from a powerpoint slide and listen to a speaker at the same time?

Isn’t it also obvious that a picture has more impact than the printed word.

I am still seeing presenters putting their script or thought joggers on powerpoint and pretending that it is for the audience’s benefit.

The power of the graphic or picture is in reinforcing what the presenter is saying. It is meant to make the point or message stick. One picture can remind people of a disaster. The word disaster won’t.

It is also important to use your own pictures. Take photos to reinforce your message. Use other means of memory jogging rather than putting your notes on the screen for all to see.

Metaphors are to narrative what pictures are to speaking. Your hand out notes can contain words alone.Your speaking will need support from stories, examples, gesture, music….and graphic pictures. A picture contains many more than a thousand words. Your creativity will show with your choice of compelling images.

Listening?

Paddy — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 00:21:51 +0000

We are all required to listen to survive and listen to thrive. We stay alive because we listen for danger. Our careers and businesses thrive because we listen to our client’s requests and needs. Listening is not a skill that we have been taught. It was assumed that we would develop this immensely important skill automatically.

If you want to move to the status of expert in the skill of listening, you will need to control your thinking process. If you are thinking about what someone is saying while they are speaking, you are not fully listening. You could be thinking about whether you agree or whether they are telling the truth or whether it will rain tomorrow. To listen fully you need to stop thinking and let the message wash over you. Do you ever find yourself labeling experiences? You may be looking at a beautiful cloud formation and suddenly your thinking tells you that you can see a horse’s head. In that moment you have stopped the awesome part of the experience by labeling it.

In the same way, if you think about what someone is saying, you have stopped listening fully.
The next time someone speaks to you, try to resist the urge to think. Just let the message, the words, the tone, the emotion wash over you. You will understand what is being said more fully and will not be tempted to interrupt the flow. You will also enjoy your experiences and conversations more if you label less and leave your eyes and ears wide open.

Regards,
Paddy

Are you silent… still?

Paddy — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 05:01:00 +0000

It is very difficult to listen to another when your own thinking is non stop. If you could be silent, then still, you would be able to make room for someone else’s ideas.

You would be able to listen with an open mind and would probably hear more than if you were judging the information or preparing a defence. If you leave gaps in your thinking, you make room for new information or ideas to enter. If you think without a break, your attention span will be similar to that of a goldfish and you will listen with an agenda in mind. You may ignore everything that is not related to your agenda.

The next time someone speaks to you, try listening with an open, still mind and be very slow to respond. You will be amazed at how much more you hear and understand. It is like having wax removed from your ear canal.

listening skills, silence, open mind, hearing, responding

Operating in the Present

Paddy — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 05:29:25 +0000

We had some friends stay with us who were on the Qantas flight that had to land in Manila after the oxygen tank exploded.

Our friends are a married couple and their reactions were extraordinarily different. They also noticed a variety of reactions from others to a potentially fatal accident.

How is it that people have such different reactions to the same event? One of our friends whipped out his camera and took some photos. He saw the incident as an opportunity to record his experiences and pass this information onto his local newspaper.

Our other friend saw the event as life threatening and was shocked and frightened. Same event, very different reactions.

One person was operating in the present, taking photos of what was happening. The other was looking to a frightening future consequence, death. It is unusual that the word present can refer to ‘now’ or a gift.

Operating in the present is a gift and can shield us from a frightening future. Why not try making the present longer by focusing on it more often. Be where you are. Be with the people you are with. Taste your food and listen to people. In reality, there is no other time than now and by thinking about another time we miss now.

Listening as a way of influencing others

Paddy — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 03:49:33 +0000

Listening is often seen as a weak way of influencing others. It can be as strong as the most assertive behaviour. It is similar to not taking the bait and entering into a useless argument. It is not strong to respond to a baiting comment. It is strong to resist this primal urge.

A simple way of resisting the urge to fight back verbally is to ask questions or actively listen when pressured instead of fighting back or becoming sternly silent. By actively listen, I mean to paraphrase what has been said in your own words to prove that you have been listening. Be careful of your tone or facial expression as any hint of aggression or sarcasm with make matters worse.

So try this next time you are pressured by others.

Breathe in
Pause
Ask an question
Confirm that you have understood the answer e.g. ‘So you are too busy to help me today.’
Ask another question e.g. ‘When do you think you will have the time to help me?’

Really Connecting With People

Paddy — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 00:51:32 +0000

There are some people that you really connect with. Why? Why can’t you do it more often? Why can’t you do it on purpose? You know what I mean; you skip first base and get to know them so quickly. The rapport is almost instant. Maybe you are interviewing people for a job or being served in a Bank. Some people just simply stand out. Either your guard is down or they are remarkable people, or both.

Wouldn’t it be great to find out what happens with the occasional people and make it happen much more often? Imagine if most of the people that you met were impressed by you and took you into their private world without the normal caution and grilling.

Let me tell you about a way of accelerating the process of getting people to trust you. This is a powerful technique so tread carefully. We are not playing with people and their defence systems. We are trying to create rapport, hopefully for positive reasons.

Try this… copy the breathing pattern of the person you are speaking to. Don’t be obvious. Synchronise your breathing to theirs. Next copy their pace of delivery. Fast or slow and halting, maybe machine like. Just copy it subtly. Now for the volume and inflection. Are they going up at the end…eh? Do it yourself. Don’t be bothered about being found out. The person will be focusing on what they are saying and after all, you ARE listening 100%, which is a very hard thing to be doing. If you need to contribute to the conversation, ask questions and paraphrase what is being said…. ’so you’re saying that…’ It will take a supreme effort to do any one of these behaviours so it is best to try them one at a time and gradually build your level of skill.

How will you know that you have got close rapport with the person? Simply move your hand or body and see if they copy you. If you have close rapport, they will mirror your movements. If they don’t, go back to your copying of breathing, tone, volume and pacing and give your full attention.

If you use these behaviours from an ethical base with the aim of assisting the person you have a much greater chance of success. It is surprising how often people will know your motives and put up their guard again.

Paddy

connection, trust, motive