If you want to move to the status of expert in the skill of listening, you will need to control your thinking process. If you are thinking about what someone is saying while they are speaking, you are not fully listening. You could be thinking about whether you agree or whether they are telling the truth or whether it will rain tomorrow. To listen fully you need to stop thinking and let the message wash over you. Do you ever find yourself labeling experiences? You may be looking at a beautiful cloud formation and suddenly your thinking tells you that you can see a horse’s head. In that moment you have stopped the awesome part of the experience by labeling it.

In the same way, if you think about what someone is saying, you have stopped listening fully.
The next time someone speaks to you, try to resist the urge to think. Just let the message, the words, the tone, the emotion wash over you. You will understand what is being said more fully and will not be tempted to interrupt the flow. You will also enjoy your experiences and conversations more if you label less and leave your eyes and ears wide open.

Regards,
Paddy

You would be able to listen with an open mind and would probably hear more than if you were judging the information or preparing a defence. If you leave gaps in your thinking, you make room for new information or ideas to enter. If you think without a break, your attention span will be similar to that of a goldfish and you will listen with an agenda in mind. You may ignore everything that is not related to your agenda.

The next time someone speaks to you, try listening with an open, still mind and be very slow to respond. You will be amazed at how much more you hear and understand. It is like having wax removed from your ear canal.

listening skills, silence, open mind, hearing, responding

Our friends are a married couple and their reactions were extraordinarily different. They also noticed a variety of reactions from others to a potentially fatal accident.

How is it that people have such different reactions to the same event? One of our friends whipped out his camera and took some photos. He saw the incident as an opportunity to record his experiences and pass this information onto his local newspaper.

Our other friend saw the event as life threatening and was shocked and frightened. Same event, very different reactions.

One person was operating in the present, taking photos of what was happening. The other was looking to a frightening future consequence, death. It is unusual that the word present can refer to ‘now’ or a gift.

Operating in the present is a gift and can shield us  from a frightening future. Why not try making the present longer by focusing on it more often. Be where you are. Be with the people you are with. Taste your food and listen to people. In reality, there is no other time than now and by thinking about another time we miss now.

A simple way of resisting the urge to fight back verbally is to ask questions or actively listen when pressured instead of fighting back or becoming sternly silent. By actively listen, I mean to paraphrase what has been said in your own words to prove that you have been listening. Be careful of your tone or facial expression as any hint of aggression or sarcasm with make matters worse.

So try this next time you are pressured by others.

1. Breathe in
2. Pause
3. Ask an question
4. Confirm that you have understood the answer e.g. ‘So you are too busy to help me today.’
5. Ask another question e.g. ‘When do you think you will have the time to help me?’

Wouldn’t it be great to find out what happens with the occasional people and make it happen much more often? Imagine if most of the people that you met were impressed by you and took you into their private world without the normal caution and grilling.

Let me tell you about a way of accelerating the process of getting people to trust you. This is a powerful technique so tread carefully. We are not playing with people and their defence systems. We are trying to create rapport, hopefully for positive reasons.

Try this… copy the breathing pattern of the person you are speaking to. Don’t be obvious. Synchronise your breathing to theirs. Next copy their pace of delivery. Fast or slow and halting, maybe machine like. Just copy it subtly. Now for the volume and inflection. Are they going up at the end…eh? Do it yourself. Don’t be bothered about being found out. The person will be focusing on what they are saying and after all, you ARE listening 100%, which is a very hard thing to be doing. If you need to contribute to the conversation, ask questions and paraphrase what is being said…. ’so you’re saying that…’ It will take a supreme effort to do any one of these behaviours so it is best to try them one at a time and gradually build your level of skill.

How will you know that you have got close rapport with the person? Simply move your hand or body and see if they copy you. If you have close rapport, they will mirror your movements. If they don’t, go back to your copying of breathing, tone, volume and pacing and give your full attention.

If you use these behaviours from an ethical base with the aim of assisting the person you have a much greater chance of success. It is surprising how often people will know your motives and put up their guard again.

Paddy

connection, trust, motive

When we returned to his office I mentioned the incident and he was not pleased. I wondered what his silence has cost the organization in lost motivation. What if this person had taken offense and mentioned it to others? The negative effect could have spread to many.

Do you wonder about the effect of your behaviour on others? When you put a stop to unfounded gossip by merely speaking out you could be stopping a message that could cost the organization many thousands of dollars.

I also heard about a very highly skilled technical person who was also a manager. He was short-tempered and rude when he didn’t get what he wanted. He was also considered too technically skilled to lose so people would have to tolerate his temper tantrums. Imagine the cost in turnover.

How can you measure the effect of your behaviour? Do people copy your positive behaviour as well as the negative?

Self awareness and self assessment are truly gifts from above. As manager of a business or a home, we need to be able to read and understand our emotions and recognise their effect on others and their work performance. We also need to be able to accurately assess our own strengths and weaknesses in this area of emotional maturity.

Try this for size…Ask someone how your behaviour affects them. Listen carefully to the answer and don’t defend yourself or rationalise your behaviour. Ask the person to nominate areas that you could improve. What behaviours would you like me to change to support you more and help you to become more productive? Listen very carefully. I remember one manager being told… simply listen to me without interrupting.

Emotional skills will take time to develop so don’t promise an immediate improvement. Maybe get some help or coaching. It is a matter of trial and feedback. Keep going until you have developed the new skills. Maybe you withdraw when there is conflict. Maybe you lose your temper. It will take time to modify these responses but the benefits will be worth the effort. Remember practice makes permanent and only perfect practice makes perfect. A little practice each day will help you make progress.

There is some wonderful reading on the subject on emotional intelligence but it is the practice that will make a difference.

Paddy

behaviour, practice makes perfect, emotional intelligence, self awareness, self assessment

I have read of many experiments to change attitudes to groups of people by forcing contact. If there is no enjoyment in the contact the attitude doesn’t change. It hardens.

The main implication here for us is that we can change the moods of others. The loop is open to outside influence. Be they customers, team members, peers, managers or family members, we can be a major influence in helping others to feel happy.

Some simple ways of doing this are:

• Greet enthusiastically. Don’t tell people how you are. Tell them how you’d like to be. Try some colourful words like: sensational, never been better, enjoying my life!

• Smile. Even if you don’t feel like smiling, others will react to your smile and smile back. You will see their returned genuine smile and react automatically with a genuine smile. Fake can become genuine.

• Shake hands warmly. Physical contact will help people feel better about themselves and about you. Match the strength of their grip and look them in the eye. Soft for soft. Hard for hard.

• Farewell warmly. People will remember the last words you say so make them memorable. ‘Hope to see you again’, ‘Great to see you’, ‘ I have enjoyed speaking to you’.

Humour and laughter spreads quickly to create an upbeat climate. Lose you sense of humour and the world becomes grey. Spread humour and colour returns. Look around you for humour and reasons to be happy. If you woke up this morning you are way ahead of those that didn’t! year.

Paddy

laughter, humour, sense of humour, attitude

There are two ways of reinforcing behaviour. Oh by the way, positive reinforcement is anything you say or do that the other person takes as positive reinforcement. It needs to be as close to the performance as possible.

Back to two ways of reinforcing behaviour. Positive reinforcement follows the performance – it can be a simple ‘thank you’, a gift, a note. The person is encouraged to repeat the performance. You noticed and you showed that you noticed.

Negative reinforcement also works.The person repeats the performance to avoid getting another negative reinforcement from you.This doesn’t work as well as the positive. They may only repeat the performance when you are around and they will only do enough to stay out of your bad books.

If you ignore good behaviour and only notice poor behaviour you run the risk of seeing the good behaviour disappear because it is not being noticed and seeing the poor behaviour reduced ‘when you are present’.

Have you noticed how careful people drive when they see a speed camera? No incentive to drive well, only punishment if you don’t. Same with seat belts. There is an immediate negative reinforcement- you need to take time to settle in and your clothing gets crumpled. The positive is in the future… if you have an accident. The negative is now and certain.

So… let’s get started on using positive reinforcement. Look for opportunities to apply positive reinforcement. When people behave well, comment immediately. Make your comment positive and as close to the performance as possible. Ignore poor behaviour, if you can, and wait for any movement in the right direction. Acknowledge and reinforce any approximations towards good performance.

Do you want your hands to smell like roses or elephant poo?

If you have any stories about the effectiveness of positive reinforcement, please send them to me. My most recent example was at a hotel. As I finished signing my name, the person at the desk commented ‘ lovely handwriting’. You won’t believe the care I took when signing for my meals.

Paddy

hand smell, elephant poo, smell like roses, good behaviour, bad behaviour

I remember on one occasion when a person looked at my outstretched hand and ignored it. He told me later, he used it as a technique to put people offside and gain the upper hand. He certainly put me offside and didn’t gain the upper hand.

There are some simple rules for handshaking. The custom probably comes from medieval times when people took off their armoured gloves when meeting and shook hands. It was meant as a display of ‘I’m not going to hurt you – see I’ve taken off my glove’.

A study published in the Journal of Psychology, suggested that a firm handshake makes a good first impression. They defined a firm handshake as strong and vigorous with a complete grip that did not stop too soon or go on too long. Add eye contact and the hint of a smile and everyone is impressed.

The research was probably done by a man. Women seem to have slightly different rules. Try these rules – Extend your hand first and leave it there until the other person responds.

Some people are reluctant to shake hands but will get the idea eventually. If their religion forbids contact, you will get the message and you can sheepishly put your hand away.

Push until you contact the fork between the thumb and the first finger. Don’t get caught half way in and don’t squeeze the ends of people’s fingers. Match the grip of the other person. We like people who are like us and we will certainly like someone who has a handshake like ours. Calibrate quickly and give them exactly what they are giving you.

If you get caught by a ‘gorilla’ handshake, simply say ‘you certainly have a strong handshake’. They are thrilled at the compliment and they stop crushing. Don’t match the ‘gorilla’ handshake. You will look like you are arm wrestling.

Let go last. You will seem reluctant to let go. Let go first and you can give the impression of being keen to let go. Who knows what negative judgement the other will make of this action?

From infancy we enjoy being touched. The handshake is all we have left at work. Shake hands whenever you can. Physical contact creates instant rapport. Remember the simple rules:

• Offer your hand first.
• Don’t get caught at the finger tips.
• Contact palms.
• Match the grip and smile.
• Up and down three times.
• Let go last.

The handshake is not meant to show people how strong you are. The purpose is to contact people, to create a positive impression, to make people feel comfortable with you. See how many people you can get to shake your hand today.

Paddy

shaking hands, impression, physical contact

My wife and I recently attended a sales evening for time share and it was very obvious that few of the sales people looked at the audience except for glances. The impression they gave was of passing interest not real interest. You will notice when people look closely at your eyes. You will certainly notice when they don’t.

So here is a very useful exercise that will improve your listening skills and help you build rapport very quickly with everyone you meet.

For the next day, look closely at people’s eyes and identify the colour of their irises. It is especially important that you do this as you are first meeting them. Really look deeply into the colour and see how it varies from the outside to the inside of the iris.

eye language, listening skills, building rapport, positive impact