You know the answer! Bit cynical don’t you think?

If you know the answer, why bother unless you are trying to trap someone or test their honesty.

A good place to come from is curiosity. You ask because you want to learn. You ask because you don’t know the answer. Keep your mind blank while waiting for the answer. Stop thinking. Thinking is not necessary. If you are judging what you are hearing while you are hearing… you are not really listening. You are getting ahead. Stay fully aware but just stop thinking. There is time after the person has finished speaking.

Careful that you use open questions mostly if you want a flow of information. How, when, where, what, who and maybe why. Closed questions lead nowhere except to a yes or no. There is no flow.

Try these questions for practice. What can I do to support you more? How can I be a better manager/team leader? What can I do to improve morale? Where do you think we can improve? What do I need to do to be a better parent?

Don’t think while the person is answering. Just be aware of what they are saying. No judgement. No labels.

I recently went to the mind/spirit exhibition and watch people queue to see psychics.

I suspect that many visit a psychic to get more certainty. It is very important to some people that they can be certain about some things.

If you ever get a hint that certainty is important to someone, make sure you respect this need. Reassure them that you will deliver what you promised. If you tell them you will call later in the day, make sure you do.

Imagine the effect of telling someone who liked certainty that you would personally deliver an important document or order on the same day… and you did. Some people like guarantees, assurances, promises. They seek certainty in a world where little is certain. It is probably a remnant of our very old brain.

So give people as much certainty as you control. Call them back. Send the email today. Give them what they need in an uncertain world.

Paddy

We are all required to listen to survive and listen to thrive. We stay alive because we listen for danger. Our careers and businesses thrive because we listen to our client’s requests and needs. Listening is not a skill that we have been taught. It was assumed that we would develop this immensely important skill automatically.

If you want to move to the status of expert in the skill of listening, you will need to control your thinking process. If you are thinking about what someone is saying while they are speaking, you are not fully listening. You could be thinking about whether you agree or whether they are telling the truth or whether it will rain tomorrow. To listen fully you need to stop thinking and let the message wash over you. Do you ever find yourself labeling experiences? You may be looking at a beautiful cloud formation and suddenly your thinking tells you that you can see a horse’s head. In that moment you have stopped the awesome part of the experience by labeling it.

In the same way, if you think about what someone is saying, you have stopped listening fully.
The next time someone speaks to you, try to resist the urge to think. Just let the message, the words, the tone, the emotion wash over you. You will understand what is being said more fully and will not be tempted to interrupt the flow. You will also enjoy your experiences and conversations more if you label less and leave your eyes and ears wide open.

Regards,
Paddy

It is very difficult to listen to another when your own thinking is non stop. If you could be silent, then still, you would be able to make room for someone else’s ideas.

You would be able to listen with an open mind and would probably hear more than if you were judging the information or preparing a defence. If you leave gaps in your thinking, you make room for new information or ideas to enter. If you think without a break, your attention span will be similar to that of a goldfish and you will listen with an agenda in mind. You may ignore everything that is not related to your agenda.

The next time someone speaks to you, try listening with an open, still mind and be very slow to respond. You will be amazed at how much more you hear and understand. It is like having wax removed from your ear canal.

listening skills, silence, open mind, hearing, responding

We had some friends stay with us who were on the Qantas flight that had to land in Manila after the oxygen tank exploded.

Our friends are a married couple and their reactions were extraordinarily different. They also noticed a variety of reactions from others to a potentially fatal accident.

How is it that people have such different reactions to the same event? One of our friends whipped out his camera and took some photos. He saw the incident as an opportunity to record his experiences and pass this information onto his local newspaper.

Our other friend saw the event as life threatening and was shocked and frightened. Same event, very different reactions.

One person was operating in the present, taking photos of what was happening. The other was looking to a frightening future consequence, death. It is unusual that the word present can refer to ‘now’ or a gift.

Operating in the present is a gift and can shield us  from a frightening future. Why not try making the present longer by focusing on it more often. Be where you are. Be with the people you are with. Taste your food and listen to people. In reality, there is no other time than now and by thinking about another time we miss now.

Listening is often seen as a weak way of influencing others. It can be as strong as the most assertive behaviour. It is similar to not taking the bait and entering into a useless argument. It is not strong to respond to a baiting comment. It is strong to resist this primal urge.

A simple way of resisting the urge to fight back verbally is to ask questions or actively listen when pressured instead of fighting back or becoming sternly silent. By actively listen, I mean to paraphrase what has been said in your own words to prove that you have been listening. Be careful of your tone or facial expression as any hint of aggression or sarcasm with make matters worse.

So try this next time you are pressured by others.

1. Breathe in
2. Pause
3. Ask an question
4. Confirm that you have understood the answer e.g. ‘So you are too busy to help me today.’
5. Ask another question e.g. ‘When do you think you will have the time to help me?’