Listening as a way of influencing others
Written on 18 June 2008 by PaddyListening is often seen as a weak way of influencing others. It can be as strong as the most assertive behaviour. It is similar to not taking the bait and entering into a useless argument. It is not strong to respond to a baiting comment. It is strong to resist this primal urge.
A simple way of resisting the urge to fight back verbally is to ask questions or actively listen when pressured instead of fighting back or becoming sternly silent. By actively listen, I mean to paraphrase what has been said in your own words to prove that you have been listening. Be careful of your tone or facial expression as any hint of aggression or sarcasm with make matters worse.
So try this next time you are pressured by others.
- Breathe in
- Pause
- Ask an question
- Confirm that you have understood the answer e.g. ‘So you are too busy to help me today.’
- Ask another question e.g. ‘When do you think you will have the time to help me?’
The Value of Values
Written on 20 December 2007 by PaddyPeople usually give goals a thought at the start of the New Year.
You know the usual mantras ‘ The difference between a dream and a goal is a plan’.
Let me suggest something different for 2008 and maybe what’s left of 2007.
Rather than focus on a goal that can be achieved and ticked what about focusing on a value that cannot be achieved or completed but will motivate you for the rest of your life. Goals usually have a time frame.
Values are forever.
Take honesty for example… will you ever be able to say you have achieved it? I was honest in 2008. How about kindness or compassion or generosity? You can’t tick these off the list like losing weight or writing a book or visiting a country. They can go on motivating you forever, like shooting for the stars and knowing that you won’t get there.
Here’s my suggested New Year’s resolution. Think about a value that you are ready to get serious about and get started on living this value every day. Make this value a part of your everyday life.
Here are some values to choose from…
- Co-operation
- Honesty
- Respect
- Compassion
- Kindness
- Patience
- Cheerfulness
- Responsibility
- Courage
Any of these will create a challenge if they are to permeate our lives. Just try one and consider how it can become a part of everything you do. Honesty is a huge challenge if taken seriously. People are not so fragile that they can’t handle the truth. If you think people are not ready for your honesty, try combining it with respect.
Just an idea to get you past the goal setting and New Year’s resolution that is a necessary task at the start of each year.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and an exciting start to 2008.
Regards,
Paddy Spruce CSP
Emotional Slippage
Written on 5 November 2007 by PaddyI was working with the Melbourne Zoo and was told how two elephants adapted to the new enclosure. The new enclosure was larger, greener, provided a swimming pool and was more like the natural environment of an elephant in the wild. You’d expect two elephants to react positively to such a one sided choice. The old postage stamp or the new jungle with pool.
The female elephant seemed excited from day one and enjoyed the opportunity to walk to the new enclosure exploring all the way.
The male elephant did not like being out of his usual enclosure and refused to co-operate. It took over two years of gradual encouragement to get him used to moving and behaving himself in a new environment. Even at the last moment he needed to be taken by truck to his new home.
I am not wanting to make a gender comparison here but simply a comparison of two reactions to change. Some people do change easily. Some do it very hard. If you are managing and implementing change, remember that the decision to make the change is done in a moment. The times it takes for everyone to accept the change can be much longer.
Some will deny, resist and fight against the change. Some will grieve as they would the loss of a friend. Some will be excited and want to move quickly. As a manager of this process, you will feel like you are herding kittens. You will need to be very aware of the range of reactions and accept that everyone is doing their best.
You will need to explain to the deniers that it is really happening and won’t go away. You may need to this often until they accept. Their reaction is not rational so it can’t be explained away simply. You will need to listen to the angry ventilators without agreeing to them. The may want to hang on to ‘the old way’ because they know it so well. You will need to show compassion to the grievers and help them move on into the present.
What to do with the excited ones that want to get on with it. You can use them as an example or ask them to move at a pace that allows everyone to stay together.
Rationally, we all know that we need to improve to stay in business and keep our clients and customers satisfied. Emotionally, we move at different rates to accept this change. Some of us move so slowly that it looks like resistance.
We want all our elephants to change and continue to improve. As a skilled change agent, your challenge it to help everyone move at their own pace whilst keeping the client satisfied. Back to normal is not normal. Forward to normal is.
Paddy
So, What’s a Heroine Anyway?
Written on 22 October 2007 by PaddyAccording to the Oxford Dictionary, a hero or heroine is a person who exhibits extraordinary bravery, firmness or greatness of soul in connection with any pursuit, work or enterprise. One who does brave or noble deeds.
Our society seems to value heroes and heroines who earn their status in a moment of valor. The lecturer who struggled with the armed student after having been shot twice. The person who ran into a blazing house to save a child.
We seldom define someone as heroic who has earned the status over a decade. How many moments in a decade?
In a newsletter sometime ago on my site I included…’A Poem’. It was written by a true heroine, Maree Bourke-Calliss. Maree had a stroke on 5th May, 1994 and has been ‘locked in’ her own body since. She can blink… nothing else. Just imagine being struck down suddenly with a stroke and only being able to blink. Hearing, thinking, feeling but not being able to move or communicate verbally with others.
The story has moved since she published her poem. Maree spoke at the CPA Conference in Adelaide a couple of years ago. She has written her story slowly and laboriously by blinking her eyes. The story was spoken by my wife, Hilary, who is an actor, speaker and singer. Maree’s family were there from Quambatook and Queensland. She had been preparing for months to tell her story to assist others to truly value themselves and their lives.
Let me quote a paragraph from her story just in case you didn’t see this.
“Be clear about who you areâ€
You have to have a purpose for being, not just a purpose for doing. Even though I cannot do all those normal activities you associate with living such as walking and talking, I have a big reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I have a purpose that is about achieving, doing the impossible, and challenging myself to go that little bit further everyday. I don’t wake up thinking about money or getting the car serviced or doing the grocery shopping or wishing that I had read that report on the weekend so work would be less pressure today – that’s the doing stuff and you know you’ll get to it sometime during the week.I wake up thinking about what will make a difference today, what I need to achieve, what I need to do to make this day worthwhile for those around me. It’s a waste of time and energy to act from a position of imprisonment. You must come from a position of resilience and learn to cope with everything that’s thrown at you. You know the saying “It’s not what happens to you that’s important…it’s what happens within youâ€. I am a worthwhile human being because I now know myself so much better and I love myself for who I am and not for how I look.
So, you have advice from someone who has earned the right to give advice by behaving heroically over ten years. Someone who was offered the choice of living or dying and embraced living. Maree lives a very full life with the ability to think and blink. Are you making the most of your life?
Paddy
making the most, full life, disability, ability, hero, heroine
Really Connecting With People
Written on 12 October 2007 by PaddyThere are some people that you really connect with. Why? Why can’t you do it more often? Why can’t you do it on purpose? You know what I mean; you skip first base and get to know them so quickly. The rapport is almost instant. Maybe you are interviewing people for a job or being served in a Bank. Some people just simply stand out. Either your guard is down or they are remarkable people, or both.
Wouldn’t it be great to find out what happens with the occasional people and make it happen much more often? Imagine if most of the people that you met were impressed by you and took you into their private world without the normal caution and grilling.
Let me tell you about a way of accelerating the process of getting people to trust you. This is a powerful technique so tread carefully. We are not playing with people and their defence systems. We are trying to create rapport, hopefully for positive reasons.
Try this… copy the breathing pattern of the person you are speaking to. Don’t be obvious. Synchronise your breathing to theirs. Next copy their pace of delivery. Fast or slow and halting, maybe machine like. Just copy it subtly. Now for the volume and inflection. Are they going up at the end…eh? Do it yourself. Don’t be bothered about being found out. The person will be focusing on what they are saying and after all, you ARE listening 100%, which is a very hard thing to be doing. If you need to contribute to the conversation, ask questions and paraphrase what is being said…. ’so you’re saying that…’ It will take a supreme effort to do any one of these behaviours so it is best to try them one at a time and gradually build your level of skill.
How will you know that you have got close rapport with the person? Simply move your hand or body and see if they copy you. If you have close rapport, they will mirror your movements. If they don’t, go back to your copying of breathing, tone, volume and pacing and give your full attention.
If you use these behaviours from an ethical base with the aim of assisting the person you have a much greater chance of success. It is surprising how often people will know your motives and put up their guard again.
Paddy
